Fear of public speaking, fear of loneliness, fear of being judged by others, fear of commitment, fear of failure… we are capable of feeling fear even when everything is going well.
Fear is one of the emotions that accompany the awareness of danger or a threat. Like any emotion, it’s a form of energy that helps us act more effectively. Our real issue isn’t feeling fear. In fact, fear can even be beneficial. It’s simply an adaptive response to a given context. My fear of public speaking pushes me to work harder on my content to be prepared. The fear of loneliness ensures that I seek deep and meaningful relationships. The fear of others’ judgment helps me better align my actions with their expectations. The fear of commitment allows me to intensify the present moment and detach from projections I might have with this person in the future. And the fear of failure drives us toward excellence.
Every fear has its place and purpose, and it’s up to us to learn how to decode its meaning and harness its energy.
We do not suffer from fear itself. We suffer from our inability to manage our fears because we do not understand their mechanisms and functions well enough. By mishandling fear, we develop a fear of fear itself, which adds an extra layer of complexity to managing it. The result is that as soon as we feel a sign of fear, we become lost and unable to handle the situation.
The primary function of fear is to protect us from potential danger and ensure survival. If we encounter a wild animal, fear mobilizes all our resources to fight or flee from the threat. Higher cognitive functions, which consume a great deal of energy, are shut down to make way for survival instincts—much less conscious and energy-demanding. This is a highly appropriate reaction in a survival context, but much less so in a public speaking situation, where access to our consciousness is crucial for accomplishing the task.
But why do we experience the same survival response in situations where our life is not threatened?
Let’s take public speaking, one of the most common fears shared by many of us. Why does our brain switch to survival mode in a situation that seemingly doesn’t threaten our life? Why does our fear of being rejected by the group cause us so much suffering?
A scientific study demonstrated that rejection and physical pain are encoded by the same neurological pattern.
We can say that rejection hurts in our brain.
Deciding to speak in public involves a significant risk of rejection for our ideas. It’s almost certain that we will create opponents to our views. Just one opponent is enough for our brain to think, “This is going to hurt; it’s better to avoid the risk of suffering,” prompting us to react as if we were fleeing from a life-threatening danger.
In all fears, we can find a dimension that unconsciously touches on survival.
The fear of loneliness is a fear of dying in the eyes of others. The fear of commitment, on the other hand, is a fear of dying for oneself by being overly present for another person. In the fear of lacking confidence, there is a hidden fear of being dominated by others due to an inability to take our place. In the fear of failure, we identify with our project, and if it fails, we feel as though we die along with it.
Now let’s explore how to avoid falling into the automatic mechanism of fear and learn to manage this energy.
Here are the 7 steps to deconstruct a fear
In order to master an emotion, I need to realize that I am experiencing it. Unconscious fear hides behind feelings of internal tension or anxiety. We know that something is preventing us from being fully ourselves, like a protective mechanism, but we cannot pinpoint where it comes from. Becoming aware of the fear is the first step in the process. Am I not starting a conversation with my partner out of fear that he might leave me, fear that I won’t be able to manage my anger, or fear of being rejected? Am I not undertaking the journey of my dreams due to fear of the unknown? Or perhaps I am sabotaging the project that inspires me out of fear of succeeding? The fear of success also touches on survival because if I succeed, I develop a new identity that implies the “death” of my old self.
What fear lies behind your attitudes today?
Fear is like a part of us that needs to feel heard. Once I become aware of my fear and verbalize it, the internal tension decreases. Conversely, if I consciously or unconsciously suppress my fear, it will increase in tension to make itself known. You can imagine it somewhat like a child who begins to cry if they don’t feel understood.
For an emotion to form, our brain needs factors it does not recognize. Anything predictable does not create emotion. I cannot tickle myself because my brain knows exactly where and when I will touch myself. If there is no element of surprise, no emotion occurs. This is why when we spend too much time in our comfort zone doing things we already know, we feel less energy. In my comfort zone, I know everything, and I cannot feel fear. Identifying what triggers my fear will allow me to see how I am expanding my comfort zone and identify the skill I am developing.
At this stage of deconstructing fear, the goal is to move in the same direction as the fear in order to ally with it, rather than resist it. I can exaggerate the thought that scares me until I make it ridiculous. For example, a fear of public speaking will likely diminish if I tell myself, “It’s normal to be scared because they are all armed and will start shooting at you if you make even one language mistake.” If it’s the fear of being left, I might think, “I don’t even know how you manage to feel so little fear because it’s guaranteed that no man will ever want to be in a relationship with you again,” and so on. It’s up to you to find the phrase that both validates that it’s normal to be afraid and exaggerates the consequences in the future.
One of the challenges in managing fear is that when we experience it, we feel completely overwhelmed, as if there are no other resources available to us. The exercise of dissociation involves learning to observe ourselves and locate the fear in our body. If I can pinpoint my fear as a blocked energy in my abdomen or chest, I can find strategies to dissipate it through breathing exercises or physical activities (jumping, running, stretching). Dissociating from my fear allows me to recognize that even though fear is present, I still have access to all my other resources. My fear simply becomes a reminder that I need to stay alert because I am doing something I have never done before.
At this stage, we seek to understand how what scares me is beneficial for me and what skill I am developing in this new situation. If the thought of separating from my partner frightens me, how does this fear strengthen my relationship and my commitment to him? How does the fear of public speaking push me to become a good communicator who tirelessly prepares in advance? How does the fear of getting sick encourage me to take care of my health? The more I recognize the benefits of my fears, the more they become my allies, and I can use their energy to serve my goals.
This final step requires courage, but it clearly helps to disarm fear. When we confront a new situation, our brain begins to unconsciously simulate all possible scenarios. The unconscious prepares to anticipate potential danger. Our role at this stage is to consciously collaborate to be ready if the worst happens. How will I react if my boss denies my salary increase request? What would be the appropriate response if I have a blank moment during my presentation at the conference? I might even imagine that my partner has cheated on me to prepare for my reaction. This doesn’t mean the worst will happen; on the contrary, the more comfortable I am with the worst-case scenario, the less I will dwell on it. Fear drives us to focus on what frightens us, and by dedicating mental energy to it, we end up manifesting the worst-case scenario in reality.
True self-management comes from our ability to understand ourselves and the knowledge of tools that allow us to act on our perceptions. Training ourselves to deconstruct our fears doesn’t prevent us from having others, but it gives us the power to decide how to use this energy as a resource rather than suffer its paralyzing impact. With greater awareness of our internal programs, we can change the quality of our lives.
Study: Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain
